A remix with thanks to Chuck Mee, Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy & Cheyenne Mize

Sometimes
I drive past your house
your apartment
the park where we went on walks
the bench where we sat
a tree
pockets
of fresh air
and breath deep.

I haven’t washed the pillowcase
or the sheets
since you left
and I wont.

This is how I survive.

And I remember the time
we were finishing our lunch in a garden
on a hill above Lyons.
It was in June or July and hot
and someone suggested that we take off all our clothes
and jump into the pond.

I could hear Andre saying
his girlfriend would be with us in just a minute
but his voice sounded muffled
through the shirt I already had over my head
and then,
in the end,
no one went in the water.

Andre fucked me first
slowly
and calmly
which was his way.
And then Paco came and took his place.

Paco’s body was different from Andre’s
and I liked it better.
Paco was taller, wiry,
he was one of those men who can isolate
the action of his pelvis from the rest of his body,
and thrust without smothering you,
supporting his torso with his arms.

And this guy said to me one time
I can’t pin you down
like a butterfly, he said
like a rainbow with wings
like you and me and the good ol boys

but the good ol boys are pounding bible verses like whiskey
while you shove family values up their ass
for a flat thousand
(good job if you can get it)
and the world is filled with these sick motherfuckers
claim they know right cock from wrong ass
and who’s fore-arm fits natural-like up your pink pussy

the way god intended.

But I can show you puzzle pieces you’ve never dreamed of
‘cause there’s a girl in me wants to dominate your smallest movement
and there’s a boy in me wants suck your clit
suck your cock
right
 off

and one time I was going to be whipped
in this humiliating position-
arms and legs spread-
and I was perspiring
my body was taut with the pain
and then when Sally began to put the pincers on my balls
well that just hurts like hell every time
and I thought
I can’t endure this any more -
I’m too old for this shit -

But then I was suspended by the handcuffs
and I felt the pain in my thighs
and I couldn’t turn my head to see anyone in the room
and Fiona put something on me
I don’t know what it was
an electric drill and mini-aspirator of some kind
while she was touching me with such a soft hand
and the sugar-sweet smell of her perfume filled my nostrils
so that it was unbearable and sweet at the same time
and this dizzying shiver shot through me
and I was afraid I was going to piss myself with pleasure
piss myself like a stark beginner
my thighs trembling And I’m soaked
And I’m soaked
And I’m soaked
And I remember the wail of my mother when my brother died,
we thought she was laughing
and I went into the kitchen,
she was holding onto the counter,
where she had collapsed
and the phone was dangling from its cord
and I’d never heard a sound like that
like the sound my mother was making.
And my grandfather was dying in the hospital,
and then
one day he escaped,
and went home,
and shot his wife,
and went back to the hospital
to die.

And that’s what it means to be human.
And that’s what it all means,
because we’re all just flailing

falling

and whether you like to go out to the theatre or to the opera
or would rather stay at home

whether you like to be
spanked or whipped
spanked or whipped
by an older person
or younger

by a person in costume
or what costume exactly
and what sort of whip
hard or soft
a wet towel or a bamboo cane
a riding crop made of peacock feathers,
the eyelashes of a Tibetan goat,
hair from the head of a Franciscan nun,
the spit curls of a Hasidic diamond merchant,
or in some special location
church basement after mass
airport closet back alley downtown train-station
or you count your lovers with both fists in them
and names like primary secondary tertiary

one motherfucker, two motherfucker, three motherfucker
till you need a bigger barn to hold them all
to hold them tight

you hold them tight
you hold them tight
you hold them tight
you hold them real tight
you hold them all real tight
and that’s what I’m saying
you hold on tight

you hold on tight

and never

let

go.